from the vault march eighth two thousand and six entry number one one two zero three nine

Woke up this morning to find myself in a bed positioned on the floor in an apartment in Brooklyn New York. Got up to use the bathroom and found two people named m. and b. sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the living room area. Returned to bed and began making this entry for future record keeping purposes. Have not been able to locate reason why this journal entry exists, who is motivated to write down what they think they are doing, never an indication of what they have done or will be doing. A notebook lends itself to automatic writing as a painter, such as Degas does a study of a ballerina in charcoal, or makes line drawings of the world collapsing before he goes ahead and purchases the paint. Of course I don't mean to indicate that I am a painter but more along the lines that I went to a museum yesterday with my two guests, and had a lovely time, but for some reason by the time it was all over my body and mind had completely left as soon as I sat down. The pressing needs of my hidden physicality weighs heavy or the fluid that keep me alive is slowly draining out into the general working of the universe for no particular reason other than time and gravity, the wonders of osmosis and the principle of searching for new space.

before i left wisconsin i meant to write a posting about the house my parents house that i was staying in but the one time i sat down to write it the network was down and i didn't get another chance before i left for here california oakland city but the post i was going to write that i had kept in my mind for about three days was about when i was a kid like three years old and my mom and biological dad had bought a new house that we were going to move into in madison and the house was empty and i guess we were all walking around it as my memory is somewhat foggy about this but i do remember the incident clearly where i stepped on a bunch of nails sticking up from a nail board like the kind they use with carpet so that when you put down the carpet the nails hold the carpet in place and i was running around the house in barefoot and even though i was warned not to i stepped on the nail board tack board whatever its called and stuck my feet on it and of course i cried where now many years later where my mom and step dad have moved back into this house that we left a long time ago and came back to right around the time i started high school and i have graduated from highschool thank you very much and found myself painting the living room of that house where i had hurt my foot a long time ago and there is really no story or moral to the story or gigantic leap or image complex that i wanted to transfer from that to this other than to say that i've spent a lot of time in that house at different times in my life be it a little kid to highschool to coming back in living there even post graduate school and maybe this is normal say normal in the grand history of world history where people don't ever go far from where they started and then there is the ts eliot line from four quartets where he says home is where you start from and i think maybe this is true as well that is to say that i just moved again and am now here in oakland to stay with a. and well move soon relatively soon to san francisco but i just wanted to let you know that i moved but am still available to answer questions and sign baseballs and i'll write more later but not right now it's late and theres company

lying in the pillows thinking life is good “life is good” after lying in the pillows thinking guiltily “life is good” thinking guiltily about pillows i come to some obscene design that life is good is always obscene and guilty

somebody told me that writing an email is like writing a letter to yourself a letter not sent but projected onto a screen for editing thoughts moving periods erasing clauses like when planes get in or where you left your hat on the train from next mexico into the city where healthy lives live to see one another meander back from versions of events to each other in the rain late fall somebody told me that writing an email is like writing a letter to yourself

went out to cross plains today where i began painting little quarter circles with minimum of paint so as to leave the brush marks on the wall so as to give the impression of something else happening to the wall asides from the color that i painted underneath it so as i made one and then another one and so on and so forth until the wall was full of them and took great care not to make them random or helpless looking but natural as a tree might look growing infront of a super market or maybe natural like an empty plastic bag blowing across the parking lot of this said super market anyway this continued for a while up and down the wall and inbetween the spaces so many times that the spaces filled up so as to not need me to put these little quarter circle gingko leaf looking paint splotches ontop the persimmony wall with some kind of desert super mix glaze and listened to the radio and worried for a while as the wall looked like hell for a while but as more and more of the spaces got filled in after having gone around the room a small room a bathroom a number of times the spaces began to disappear so as each pass made the room look better and then it was just a matter of standing back and spotting and touching where necessary so as the multiple additions of the little gesture eventually began to add up to something larger than itself or my initial intentions and some of course the motion was not exactly mechanical and as more were made my hand got better so as to really beginning to get the hang of this thing it all felt very japanese in a suburban american mid seventies kind of way

oi still trying to get my stuff and junk from the east to the west whereas just got off the phone with one mysterious man trying very hard to convince me that he was in fact trust worthy and willing to do it and do the job and possibly squeeze me for a little more money know i know the sound of a hussle and when and what it feels like to get to know said person on the phone and the fact of effort the convincing voice and the fact of space allowed for conversation the prototypical pressure mounting in the spaces usually reserved for questions and comments like the man on the street in brooklyn who got not one but ten dollars from me dang what a sucker gave me some story quite urgently and manically and maniacally in retrospectacular fashion it was in fact one of those brand new ten dollar bills that i gave him but not as gave him as the time in providence with the kid giving me the deed to his car in panicky fashion on the phone outside of the bar and easily convinced one is against one another human pray the way one walks down the street hands out of the pockets and instead swinging freely and steady eye contact but not too long but briefly steady freely briefly instead of inside hunched over looking quite quiet vulnerable signs perceived from experts grown up hawk like mouths and gigantic galactica thinking in terms of personality unlike say the opposite small town mind that if i were to claim one the big city versus the small town say neither learn from both ideally in the great war some of us got to know our enemy

you better ask yourself why you're reading this or just ask the waiter please say hey waiter ahem i mean ask your waiter your doctor i mean say hey waiter can i have a glass of water please i'm in severe pain from this balsy weather pattern sun rain moon sun shine rain hail snow sun nothing much but the weather where as over there in the city the weather was not much of a feature as other things were likely to change for example the quality of the piece of fruit you might find or buy from a vendor and secretly anointed upon the supper table one quantity plus one knight of simple supple leather furniture made by hand for people who aren't hung up on the price so much as the simple supple elegance of an elephants tusk sticking out of a bail of hay on the seventh day of july nineteen hundred and seventy two the mammals were asking to play baseball with jesus and nobody bothered to keep score alas insects weather bells and southern belles all missed out on the missing mud slinging antics of gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla nostril one dash seven one two zero seven eight nine keyboard piano drums and guitar have all made it out tonight lets give a great big round of applause to the one the only thankyou teddy b teddy rux p ecetera excitera excop calcium vitamin b twelve a zinc carbon flame tipped wing bats length and draughtsmen ship superior quality cuts of dweedle dox and lax at acid licks raw raw post proto plucking yeah yeah yeah apostrophe s makes it something wink wink one eye once in a while

i'm not going to mention the day but i'll speak about tonight but only in reference to the events that came previous to this particular moment say the last twelve hours and again not to mention previously on the this show deep male voice or coming next week cut to action screaming big surprise nope no serious work today got up had a meal with a friend cut loose dutch baby with bananas and strawberry piled into the center raw dough and strawberry something past life smoothie etcetera started back cleaned some gutters on a relatives humble home with said breakfast buddy got down off the ladder washed hands got into borrowed car and drove quickly but carefully to destination one compiled list of to do completed list in less than one second amazing wow got going again and went up to juneau to see ill family member sat around for about an hour listened to strange mumblings but managed to smile none the less gave a hug and kiss talked to nurse answered question about the weather statement about smoking and got back in car came back ate dinner withheld information and continues

why not tell our own stories rather head off the flow of information before it gets larger than we could make alone say use names and dates and places and issues of privacy remain in the foreground instead run don't tell anybody if you have anybody any more or even if you never did the voice you might ask questions to once in a long while why not wait for her to come home skip the middle go back over come out back not where you were going wait for the signal and throw your sweater behind a garage and panic run off somewhere unseen unheard for days and in denial of ones friends asked out for breakfast have some money i'm scared omit judgment past lives present personality question mark seriously needing people needing help from ones uncle cousins and misunderstanding no i don't under stand him he see he told us all he told everybody everything all at once and we looked at each other and said huh see we all looked at each other and asked a few questions and left the room days later saved yet again simply by opening his mouth unbelieved as it was at the time two weeks later not a single sign to speak of and we weren't looking and to boot we can record this incident in history as closed now perfect though the real ones the ones outside of jurisdiction will not know either side to pull back in

rain and supposed snow by tomorrow today the job the big job got done on the street off the street with the world famous over priced ice cream shop overrated and pretentious in the words of certain residents but the lady though slightly crazy so i was told and had a house absolutely full of junk and the smell would permeate through the windows even when closed and maybe this is disgusting and it was but sadly as always i got used to it and carry on only seven days no change with the machine and then ladders and sticks we assaulted the three story well being of the quiet neighborhood with a busy street close by and then it started to rain mr. wabbit on the ladder begun to slip and yelled out my name i came running up the ladder and found the supporting structure slipping and the ladder beginning to turn mr. wabbit he held on i said shoot and held the ladder and he said a few more spots and stood in the rain okay we're done got done got cleaned up its been a while since we've spoken and the reason being not a good one instead debauchery and stress and other orders of business but really i'm committed to you i am your little blogger based in the work a day wisconsin think about the weekend personal life and then some more time to lay after work a slight nap and then the schedule begins did you happen to notice the comment posted on the last email what the heck i asked and over the weekend i went to a wedding almost missed it quick change in the street jog across the park solid gold

rain today got up at eight put dirty pants on got in car drove to work site moved cars and big machine sat in car in rain waited for machine to be picked up never came moved machine out moved cars back in machine back in in reverse order got in car drove home reported findings ate breakfast and lunch went back to work site touched house still wet made call to postpone until tomorrow got back in car with working buddy drove around killed time to see if the sun would come back drove through the arboretum made comments about the leaves changing color fall wisconsin colder weather drove home got out went into room got onto computer and onto bed wrote emails poked at work in san francisco posted on craigslist got up ate donut drank milk ate peach watched baseball playoff game ninth inning athletics and twins game two got up went back to computer picked it up and put it on lap on bed onward work tomorrow sun comes back newspaper reads rises again clean weather get done by friday

hi i just erased a post that was rambling on about what not and what have you about the unspeakable untraceable if i could have it my way it wouldn't be about anything to actually say it and not just dance around as if there were no topic but just the empty rhetoric like a political speech or a promise from an unreliable friend and you know who you are you feel guilty about yourself but only on the surface deep down you love yourself and that's cool like movie food like butter on popcorn and a large expensive soda and the film is just about to start and its really really dark in there and your cell phone is turned off and secretly you feel happy about this but outwardly you feel happy about this and secretly the movie ticket taker is quite happy about this and secretly is also outwardly happy about this and takes your ticket and then i started rambling again but i just erased it just in case somebody is keeping track that makes two false starts or one false start and one stop in the middle when i went to write stop i wrote stope like stoop and i'll go sit down now thank you for reading i'm sorry i haven't been truthful today but it's not because i don't want to and it's not because i didn't try but because i just don't know i hope that's enough for you

walking around a town in west virginia at dusk the skies were purple mostly and cloudy not entirely just across the bottom band looking for dinner with some lad much younger maybe in his early twenties with curly hair a native and the traffic wasn't bad driving around what seemed to be a small town what also seemed to be san diego a large bridge a highway overpass hung over most of our walk down from the parking spot which took a while to find and then to the base of an urban hill i asked him what there was to eat around there and said i don't know the closest street with restaurants was up there and we started walking up and on the way i saw two people both sitting at restaurant tables one was wearing a cowboy hat the other was an old man both looked like they lived there and all of a sudden i'm in the shower still light out trying to get the soap out of my eyes feel a nudge from the front and a jump back saying what the hell there's the kid who was trying to show me dinner smirking curly hair and all i woke myself up after that

got stung by a bee today i was like ow i was like swearing and junk i was holding a long pole with a paintbrush taped to the end of it and felt good for a few odd seconds as i wielded this primitive tool like some kind of martial artist and then the bee came and earlier i had set down my blueberry soda and picked it up to take a glug when right at the bottom i guess but right in my mouth the bee swam as i was finishing the soda and i spit it out like some kind of cartoon comic strip spew all over the ground and threw the bottle down where the be was still alive and inside the bottle minus the soda and i came back later that day to find the bottle empty i thought that much soda would have done him in or her but i guess not and maybe must maybe it was the same bee that had stung me right on my big paw i sat on a rock and cried like a baby actually not i kept painting because there was a just a little bit left and usually normally i'm allergic to bees but it has been purteneer um ah ten years or so since i was stung last if i write a book about this time i'll call it in between bee stings and this will be the last paragraph

the sky is after putting my glasses on purple on a sunday evening by my computers watch the time is seven o seven and no change pm it says and i have no reason not to believe it after dinner mysterious chef no names allowed here due to personal liability reasons privacy concerns shishkabob pork and peppers garbonzo beans or something like them white buttery nuggets in a well developed bowl and a bowl of salad no spinach some bread and something else that escapes me at the moment afterwards eating chocolate while looking at mystery number twos pictures from a far away and foreign land slight breeze temperatures in the middle sixties those noises coming from the kitchen clinking dishes have done nothing toward preparation or clean up do you still like me or today was the first day that i've had nothing to do for about a month and a half or maybe longer than that and by nothing to do i mean at a home base like location and having the luxury to stay put or go or play music or dote on my sweetheart but nothing or neither read the paper and ate breakfast sat down to work on a manuscript for submission season but quickly got back up and took a walk through the grave yard to the music store where i browsed without a purpose and came back the skies were threatening all afternoon but held off as long as they needed to for this one sometimes sentences are meaning not what i wanted to say but in the rush of themselves spill out in premeditated chunks of habit and i have to admit that the last line and a half i didn't write straight through but slowed down so that i could say exactly what i wanted to say and thought about it because it was important

late night thursday got back from the office my mothers office where there is a printer and a copier machine where i sent of an application for the macdowell colony that may or may not be on time plus the recommendation that i asked for from a mentor like persona was asked for about three hours ago so maybe all this is too much too late but we'll see speaking at least i tried if nothing else i'll be early for the january deadline and speaking of which i need to write a check for twenty dollars for the processing fee which would probably bother me if i was addicted to heroin and had no job but as it stands right now i have work temporary as it is and am not addicted to heroin so twenty dollars to take a chance a fancy month long residency where i will finally have some concentrated writing time seems like a reasonable thing to do on a thursday in wisconsin where the clouds have cleared up and i can open the windows a bit and hear the insects and airplanes and breath a little bit better than i could while working at elizabeths house with the paint fumes and angry dog and all that and more one more day over there unless something goes wrong and then a big fat weekend to do nothing with my nothing and that will be nice maybe i'll eat ice cream in the hot sun and let it drip all over my tshirt with a big smile last a little while i have nothing really to say right now i'll keep you posted

the dog came back inside today with burrs all over her back and i got mad i said goddamn it violet i just picked a bunch of burrs out of your beard yesterday and then here you are again and commenced pulling little green fresh burrs out of the hair on her back which is much easier than the fur on her face i say fur not hair because that's a better word for it and i apologize for the personification like word i used to describe her fur ie the hair on her back which makes her sound like a hairy human like so many of us with hair on our backs in varying degrees but the point is i got mad and then got to picking burrs out of the fur on her back and the back yard is clear the sun finally came back today just in the last couple hours as i sat eating dinner and reading the paper in this two bedroom and mostly empty of people house in wisconsin i ate dinner and read the paper while watching the cnn news show the situation room which showed lots of bad news and one light hearted story about condi rice that lasted a couple minutes but other than that it was bad news across the board in iraq afganistan and our politicians ragging on each other and on the news services of course i would occasionally flip to fox news just to see what was going on there and it was all car crashes in ohio and not the war which cnn was broadcasting pictures and stories from it was depressing and mind numbing and how much bad news can one person actually take and maybe now i get it when people say i don't watch the news because it depresses me and others who ask if you actually watch or read the news and its all bad including the education report and makes me wonder how it could get better and it could warning political comment really they should cut loose rumsfeld and really the bush administration but that won't happen but rumsfeld seems like a possibility and its freaking crazy how much worse the war is going and the entire middle east but you don't need me to tell you this but what are we going to do about this but anyway whoever works at cnn must be some kind of robot or incredibly tough to stomach so much suffering detail on a daily basis or maybe one gets used to it seemingly not a solution just to endure but a survival technique corporate media to disband the united states somewhere in between exit ramps on the highway frightened midwesterner signing off

i think i just bought a printer that won't actually print the things i would like it to print but will see the man's name was clement as in clement i know no other reference points but i bought the printer for twenty dollars so i would have printing capabilities from here in wisconsin because since i'm earth bound right now i can work on sending out work which may or may not work but at least i will have been able to print it out or so i thought so hard about all of this before hand each piece should fit and when it does i can move on to the next one this piece the printer may only print photos but i don't know why that would be the case hopefully it isn't and hopefully the ink isn't ridiculously expensive the dog is shaking and rubbing against the bed because of what we do not know perhaps a glandular problem oily skin and fur that kind of thing helps ward off evil spirits the dog keeps shaking its collar which signifies something i'm supposed to understand maybe let me out or feed me or hello or maybe something more complicated but how could i know i mean i'm not a mind reader today it was raining all day all day inside no fun but painting busy young mother's house and young daughter must be aware of leaving toxic chemicals out and clean up right nice i will for the young family trying to make lasagna for dinner its almost ready as my mother will be away for the week she prepared me some lasagna to heat up i am twenty seven years old i think the dog is throwing up

also, found this on a website pointed to by the nytimes (watchingtheworldchange.com)

people ask me why i left new york...