Wednesday, October 07, 2009

This morning I noticed a large black shard in the middle of my chest. On Monday it was a deep indigo and there have been times in the past when its been an off-white. I think its made by thoughts repeating, muscles tensing in the same way in the same place, the same feeling over and over how one carries their body tension built into the shoulders or how the same part of your shoe wears out no matter what kind of shoe you wear. (In my case its the back right heel that wears from the left outside corner to the inside.)

Yesterday was the last time I will meet with editing concepts study group. Which made me a little sad and gave me the feeling that I was abandoning them, a good group a graduate students. The feeling of leaving in the middle that felt wrong, the feeling of giving up on something before it was done. The feeling that I could in fact have kept supporting the students in the class if I was a harder worker. But this is an idea I want to get away from. I dropped the support class because it met from 7 to 10 at night and was leading to a highly irregular and busy schedule. One where I had to cut out my own work in order to keep up with teaching and other duties. All that is to say when I don't get to my own work shards of various colors begin to calcify in my chest.

Sometimes I have to rely on outside sources to confidently come to conclusions and commit to a course of action. Say, when I begin to feel like I "deserve" things like a bubble bath or a punch in the nose is a sure sign that something is out of wack. If one has to go to extremes of pleasure to balance out stress, like renting a jet ski, this is one way, but I'd rather arrange the day so that it doesn't come to this point. Easier said then done but going to bed at a reasonable hour and getting to my own work is one way to do it. Another name for this kind of thinking about behavior is: MANAGEMENT