Essay On Change
The feeling begins before
anything happens. It's a mindset that colors every word and
interpretation. In a good mood, a clear mood, I don't follow the
sparrow. It begins in the chest and scrunches every word that comes
in or goes out.
One word for feeling is
pretension, but it's a loaded word that applies to an
interpretation of why the feeling exists. A better way to explain it
is the assumption of the thing before the thing, ideas of what the
world is without consultation.
Meditation is one way to disarm
assumption and in a way, it works. Paying attention and learning to
pay attention to things other than expressions of self. For every
moment my attention is elsewhere, its not busy interpreting signs or
generating meaning.
*
What is this relation between
what I don't know and what I don't want to know? The fact that I
devote time to putting off questions, playing games or making music
or writing, a kind of busy work that keeps me from what?
Yet I remain on a Sunday
afternoon. It's not about some incalculable distance but a few simple
facts, my desire to be alive a desire beyond articulation. No words
can alter its course through the body, and the best I can do is
describe it.
Whereas purpose occurs
concurrently with language. A hardening stance or a poem coming into
focus. It is a course of action. Listening to music, consuming news,
counting the number of ships coming into the harbor, all this
purpose.
*
Pleasure becomes purpose but I
get lost in my own feeling. There are entire worlds untouched inside
us. Entire subjects we never think to mention. It's not fair to
compare anything to what we have been through, but even desire can be
segregated.
We perceive the one. Oneself in
one's body, one's hands and one's thoughts. There is something
god-like in numbers, but to think the one and the two and the three
is universal, only guides us back to pictures of ourselves, standing in, our arms around each other.
I wonder what my statue would
look like? Said the little girl to her father.
She held her hem at arms length
and admired her shadow.
He did the same.
