hi nice to see you sun's out but it's brisk not cold but cool wear gloves and a scarf gives me an excuse not to reach into my pocket to pull out change was sick the whole weekend not uncomfortably so not dying of flu but mild discomfort a sore throat and congestion, a fogginess that didn't lift for five days but now its gone i'm back to health full health asides from a little cough and a little congestion which will be good proof of my illness in case anybody asks what i did over the break i can just say i was sick and that will be the end of it but it wasn't i consumed eighteen cups of tea i accomplished two things over the break the first was to catch up on school work and i did that graded evaluation arguments, read and commented on work for the creative writing class then calculated progress grades and that was that one night played cribbage with Q lost again goddamn its strange to consistently lose at a game that i've been consistently competitive in and the next night played chess with S and lost again played videogame basketball with B on thanksgiving evening and come to think of it lost that too hmm a weekend of losing maybe but more like a weekend of playing anyway when i wasn't playing games or school work it was reading and the music machine though its hard to compose when my head is full of sand. IT WAS NICE AND RELAXING. that goddamn videogame had taken over my life for a little while but i had made a decision to lay off it for the TG break and that's exactly what happened feels good to be free feels free to be good without periods like erma from a sit com that got canceled i've officially decided that Fallout: New Vegas is evil no doubt about it something that consuming should be encased in concrete and buried underground or shot into the sun i think my mom said to me five years ago i forget the context "we shouldn't of let you play so many videogames when you were growing up" and i didn't think much about that statement until recently playing Fallout when i thought to myself "i shouldn't let myself play so many videogames"

I've taken on a mild cold and went home early from work yesterday. Which is something that I didn't used to do. Instead, if I was feeling sick I would make huge efforts to be 'at' work. At some point in the last couple years I realized that 1) It's not actually that important for me to be there 2) My system gets better much faster if I make a serious effort to take it easy and 3) Sick pay. Sick pay might be the deciding factor. What a concept. Before teaching I always had to be there to get paid. If I didn't get paid, then I was in some kind of trouble in my mind. Sitting around at home being sick produces a weird, existential "what am I doing with my life" kind of feeling, and sometimes it's easier to be at work to avoid this feeling. Kind of the like the dilemma of the upcoming winter break: a month and a half off (unpaid but I collect unemployment) is a ton of time. Enough time to run out of 'things to do', get knocked unhappy, moan, get a hold of myself, plan, do, acclimate to the new schedule, get busy, and by that time school starts again and the whole cycle starts again.

Change is difficult. Which is why I like to go away as soon as the semester gets out. Being ramped up, especially as the semester climaxes, and then suddenly having nothing to put all that energy into is a weird let down. So as, dislocation and confusion pops me out of my schedule. This year, school lets out on the 18th of December and I don't leave for Wisconsin for Christmas until the 23rd. There's a little extra time, but not too much. Thus I try to regulate my emotions but controlling the situations I find myself in. It's like controlling a character in a video game. Speaking of which, I have been playing a video game pretty steadily for the last three weeks. The game machine tells me I've logged 48 hours playing the game. That's a long time to be in a fantasy world. After about three hours I begin to feel parts of my brain beginning to atrophy. Parts of my body. I successfully stop sometimes. Sometimes not.

On Sunday in the newspaper there was this article about the effects of technology on young people and their education/future. That fact that technology is addictive is not exactly news, nor is the idea that people have shorter attention spans these days. What is news is that now we have some data to prove it. For example, studies have shown that video games destroy your vocabulary and sleep patterns. I can attest both of these. Both my roommate, who has been watching me play, and I, have been having weird and terrible dreams. In one of my dreams, while talking to a real (dream) person I had 'dialogue options', choosing what to say from a list of options like I was in the game. Ugh. Anyway, I have some errands to run before I go off to work today so I'm going to go. Happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully you get to spend it with family, or if your family makes you feel weird, hopefully you get to spend it with friends. Thank you for reading.

It's gotten cold and rainy in San Francisco. Which is in stark contrast to the warm border line hotness that we were experiencing a couple weeks ago. It's a little bit of a relief that November isn't going to feel like August, which would make August feel like May, May would have to switch places with December and June might have to get its weather imported from Vietnam or wherever the oversees weather shipping rates are low, which is hard to predict. But a cold rain has been visiting on and off since Friday, for example five minutes ago it was raining but now the sun is shining. One of my co-workers who lived in Ireland for a long time told me that the Irish, when greeting each other, often complain about the weather, but it doesn't come off as whiny. More like small talk. Whereas here, somebody who always complains about the weather might come off as a bummer. So as, "I love the cold moist air in my lungs." I've missed it.

I had a busier than usual weekend. On Friday was the Encyclopedia reading, which, though I was increasingly nervous for for a couple weeks, was really fun. About sixteen people read/performed/played a video/showed drawings, which initially I was dreading as long readings can be not much fun, but the diversity of projects and quality of work/entertainment was really high, and it was a totally energizing two and a half hours. Totee. There were a lot of people there, co-workers and writing friends and even some students came out. It was cool to be out. It had been a while. Saturday afternoon I went to see some friends stage a reading of a co-workers play, and on the way home got caught in Saturday evening's rain. I have a good rain jacket but nothing for my bottom half. It was kind of fun to get miserably wet but only because a warm shower was waiting.

Saturday night I played poker with my politician friends. Elections being over people have more time. Doc helped Malia win district 10. Q is on a paid furlough. Ranked choice voting is not all that great when there are twenty candidates to choose from. Apple and the Beatles are making a lot of money. People from Marin have better manners than people from San Francisco. But the best part of the weekend in a long term sense is that I finally figured out the latency issues that I had been having with my music machine, where because of the sound system that Windows uses, all the music/sound that I've been playing with for the last couple years has been without steady tones and resonance because I didn't realize switching to an ASIO sound driver was really really easy. For example, this song. Please note the steady and warm tones. That's new. Plus, my sister and brother pitched in to help me update my version of Ableton Live, so as, I'm no longer limited to eight tracks and four effects. Right? You know what I'm saying? My throat is feeling a little scratchy I'm going to go swallow some zinc.

Lately there has been a little ripple about the term 'hipster' because of this book or more concisely, this essay about what the term actually means, and its oddly derogatory use. The essay is pretty helpful for putting the phenomenon into a context beyond who is and who isn't a hipster. In reference to all of the above, I can't help but think the rootless desire for space is related to whatever desires I have to be cool. And that the desire to be cool has a lot to do with not having a firm idea of what I actually want to be. The more I identify with being a teacher, with being something based in my own experience, the less I care about what I'm not. A quote from the book Laura Warholic by Alexander Theroux, that I've been trying to find a context for for years:

I decided at one point in my life that I never wanted to be anything that would not allow me to be anything else I wanted to be…I ended up being nothing that I can currently identify, which I suppose means I got my wish.

In other news, this Friday I am reading, with 14 other people, as part of the Encyclopedia Volume 2 release. If you're in the big city, here's the flyer. It's the first time I've read anything in public (not including student readings) for four years. Wow.

In the laundry mat tonight I did laundry. Nothing amazing happened. I didn't have any funny conversations or experience anything profound. I put seventeen quarters into the washing machine, turned it to 'permanent press' and got a slice of pizza (garden). I spoke with my step-dad about possible work in Wisconsin over the winter break in teaching. Got back and pulled the wet laundry into a rolly cart, pushed it around the banks of washers, and loaded two dryers, one with t-shirts, socks, and underwear, and the other with towels and dish towels. It was weird that I dried the dish towels separately, and wondered for a few instants what the professional laundry ladies I was standing next to might say about it.

I read last weeks New Yorker, picking up where I left off in an article about Rory Stewart, an interesting British politician who walked across Afghanistan, amongst other things. My favorite excerpt:

He recently described the concepts of counter-insurgency and failed states as fragments of "metaphysical structures" no more real than the parallel universes filled with demons and bodhisattvas imagined by eighteenth-century Mahayana Buddhists.

I love that one day, people will look back, maybe, and see a gigantic blind spot where we thought we were being smart and insightful; that all our great ideas about how the world works are anchored to our time and place, and don't last. It makes me wonder what it is that I'm doing terribly wrong that I don't know about yet...the Internet? Facebook? Cellphones? Laundry? Pizza? Step-dads? Winter? Magazines? Quarters? But really I just like thinking of policy analysts as religous zealouts.

I folded my laundry and went home. The most significant part of doing laundry was running into Liz on the way up and talking about the semester. I then went to the grocery and picked up some fruit. I talked to Nate about PhD. programs on the way. This is one of those blog postings where if you read it you might get an idea of what my life is like, so as, you don't have to call or write emails. But this isn't true. Even if you read this you should still call or write. I don't know how many hours there are in a week but I usually only spend two or three of them writing in this blog. Speaking of which, I've added a new on-going list of songs I like, forget about, and then remember and find on Youtube; and have added links to them to the right. Scroll down. It's on going. Hope you're well. It's been a pretty hot November, so far which is totally weird. California.

last night the good year blimp passed over just as I got off work

Found this in the Moma yesterday. With many other museum goers. The European guy got a phone call and when he walked out I noticed his pants were acid washed (?) in the back to the point of being completely white. It looked very European and I judged him harshly with my lizard brain because his cell phone was loud and everybody knows you don't start talking on your phone in a crowded gallery! I then wondered if I was homophobic, turned the word over a few times, concluded nothing, and kept looking at the Henri Cartier-Bresson photos that were hanging up. Really great!

Photography is a medium that I had never been too interested in until these last couple semesters. Before supporting the ESL students and their awesome instructors in conceptual photography and digital photography, and going to a museum with someone with which I might need to negotiate with in terms of how our time is spent together, I might say things like, "You know, photography has never really been that interesting to me." because paintings or whatever were more my thing. Generalizations so broad they mean nothing. "Politics have never really been that interesting to me." "Country music has never really been that interesting to me." And then we learn something and are given a lens to look through...a personal context/stake from which to instill meaning!!! Meaning!!

The quote was interesting to me for two reasons: 1) because I've been into 'life' lately, and 2) because I've been playing a new video game (I won't say which one but it involves hit points and dialogue options if you know what I mean) where I walk around a little world. The point of the game, or fun of the game, is to 'discover' this little world. So as, if by discovering myself...than I am discovering the world...and my self is a pixelated woman with a mohawk and a shotgun who walks around with a guy wearing a space suit in a closed post-apocalyptic world designed by a group of well paid designers then I... don't know what that quote means. Just what am I discovering by exploring this world? Oh video games! You're so easy to criticize!

Today is my birthday. I am 32 years old. What's it like to celebrate a birthday on the Internet? It's like nothing on Earth. Only my fingers, wrists, and language functions (?) get worked. Not like a bath or a sun beam on a cat's belly. More like receiving a text message or hearing the Parks and City workers weed wacking the park next door. One of my favorite birthdays was when I lived in Portland, 2002, and Aric, Joel, and Dave came down and we had a night of it. I drank whiskey until I threw up. Last year I went hiking in a new pair of shoes with a girlfriend. Two years ago I went camping. Three years ago I went camping. This year I have dinner plans on Wednesday and a full work schedule.

I have to be honest though: I get sad on my birthday. Not sure why. Something about being 7 years old. Questions like what kind "what kind of cake would you like?" still throw me. If I really got what I wanted, my favorite cake would be decided for me and it would be delicious. Red velvet cake? Chocolate? Angel Food? It all tastes good. I even like the grocery store cakes and their lard frosting. Vegan cakes are good too. That is to say, it's not cake that I want, but reassurance I am understood. C pointed out the other day that I like to bring her little gifts, a sign of affection that is just as much a demonstration of how I want to be loved.Through reciprocation we come to an agreement, learning over time how to be with another person. What I really want for my birthday is to hang out in a womb. Just for a day. To be all of one thing.

But, obviously, it's too late for that. We are condemned to freedom. Sartre said this, at least according to the international student who wanted my feedback on his essay about Sartre. His grammar was excellent! In other news, my brother ran the New York marathon yesterday for the 3rd or 4th time (I forget ) and broke three hours. There were 45,000 people who ran it and he was in the top 2%. Not bad. There is a street in Spain named after the Super Mario Brothers and my niece started the first year (preschool) of her academic career. My sister sent me six cupcakes and three candles in the mail. My mom bought me a coat. Here is a link to the Mu-ziq song "Green Crumble". Happy birthday.

We had an extra hour today.

It's difficult to know where to start. On Saturday was Halloween. I mean Sunday. I mean both Saturday and Sunday. On Monday the Giants won the World Series and then on Tuesday we voted. And also celebrated Día de los Muertos. Wednesday was the victory parade. Tomorrow I think everything will go back to normal. It's abnormally warm right now. In the seventies today. Very nice temperature! One of the guys I was standing next to, under the hot sun, outside of city hall with 100,000 others (as it was reported), dumped a cup of his piss on the ground. At that point it had been an hour and a half of waiting and I'm not actually that into the Giants. I mean I'm happy for them and their fans, and apparently there are a lot of them, like, enough to cover every square inch of the entire down town, but personally I don't have much of a relationship with the Giants.

Except for this t-shirt that I'm wearing. Once I invest money into something I feel compelled to take it more seriously. Like when I got an Athletics hat I felt like I should know a little bit about the Athletics, so as not to appear as a fraud. Wanting to be on the inside. Authenticity, or the appearance of it, is important to me. It's why I value my frayed and ripped hooded sweatshirt. Who knows why. Today's analysis is OVER. Last Saturday I went to go sell some books and wandered into the local science-fiction book store and found this guy giving a really interesting talk about "cognitive dissonance", aliens, and military secrets. I sat down and listened. It was kind of crazy but pretty interesting. The most interesting thing he said was about Milwaukee, where he lives: "The culture of Milwaukee is really interesting because Milwaukee doesn't know it has a culture." Which kind of makes sense to me, being not too far from there, that people who live in Wisconsin aren't all that conscious about living in "Wisconsin." Unlike, say, San Francisco, where I'm constantly reminded that I live in "San Francisco."

Not that that's bad. I love living in San Francisco. But it seems like an urban thing, to be conscious of where you're living. Maybe we can blame sports teams. And those who riot after sports teams claim victory over the other urban sports teams. Maybe the trick is to remain unconscious for as long as possible, like a baby, a cat, or a newborn foal, unfurling its little legs and wobbling up to its mother. And then bleeting a little. Or maybe that's a newborn lamb, actually. Regardless, the guy in the bookstore said its a comfortable thing to live in a place that isn't so aware of itself. It was more of an aside than a main point, but for some reason the thought stayed with me. In other news, two black birds on Saturday afternoon flew around Valencia, as I watched them from the room, with nuts in their mouth. Looking for a place to crack them, drop them on the pavement and eat the inside. Saturday afternoon is a busy time: a lot of people and traffic. They circled for a while and then flew off. November.

After the Giants won the world series it was like honk hu hu honk hu honk honk let's go giants whooooo honk huuu honk honk honk honk hu huh honk whooooo honk honk honk yeaaaaaah hooooooooooooooonkk aiiieeeee honk hooonk honk honk honk whoooo honk honk honk honk hoooonk honnk honk honk hu hu hooonk huh huh huh huh honk honk honk aoooooooh whaaaaaa honk honk beep beep whoooooa wheeee honk honk honk honk hoooooonk honk honk honk honk honk hoonk honk honk honk wheee honk honk whooo honk honk honk honk hu hu honk hu hoonk honk honk honk honk honk honk huh honk huuuuuuuuuuuuuu honk honk honk squeeee honk honk beep beep beep beep bee bee bee beep bee beep whoooo yeah twee twee twee boo booo buh buh buh honk honk hu hu honk honk honk huh huh hu hu beeeeee hu hu honk honk beep beeep beeeeeeeeep honk honk honk honk honk i can't go to sleep amongst this honk honk beep beep beep beep beeeeep beeeeeep honk whoooooo won't even try beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeee be beep buhp beeep honk huh huh honk its been going for the last three hours beeeeeeeeeep it was fun to be on the street for a while watching people honk slapping five never vrrroooooom lived in a city that won the world series before so this is what it's like beep beep beep like obama except a little bit smaller and it doesn't feel as important but i could feel a wave of happiness move through the city beeeeeeeeeeeep hoooooooooooonnk hoooooooooonnnnnnnnk and it felt good and raises the question now what do we do honk and wave i guess it seems like a parade of cars has been going down the street as if people drive here honk honk honk honk hoooonk honk honk honk beeeeep huh huh honk honk honk to honk down the street now i'll try to go to bed wish me luck the official parade is on wednesday