Tuesday, August 19, 2008

On a train in-between San Luis Obispo and Oakland, reading "The Emperor's Children" by Claire Messud that I had wanted to read for awhile and then not at all, and then suddenly again this afternoon while at the book store, looking for something for the train. Jen wrote a brief review of the book, and to paraphrase, "what a disappointment," but I'm only on page ninety three so I can't confirm or deny this.

The book is about people in their early thirties who went to Brown as undergraduates and aren't finding their way exactly, living in New York. The conversation between Marina and her father, the expression of parental disappointment when Marina confesses that she is lost and her father's thoughts of entitlement and a spoiled child. The bit about Julius wondering what it is that successful people posses and setting his sights on a relationship with his boss.

The conversation from a week ago, the unabashed yes, I want to be involved with a person who outwardly pursues what I find attractive so that I don't have to. The excerpt from "Alive in Necropolis" in the book review about the yuppie party full of two types of people, and to paraphrase again, those who are living their parent's lives and those still living their college lives, a false dichotomy but it makes me think.

The day I turned in the summer grades I ran into Katie and Jim and we had lunch at a small breakfast place in a not too bad at two in the afternoon block of the Tenderloin, happy to finally spontaneously go out with people who I didn't feel any obligation to sleep with. Back to the book, another hundred pages in, themes so far about privilege and disappointment, and like me on a foggy day, a group of people who feel their only choices are to try for eight gold medals or smoke hashish.

The question of what we want or at least the question of admitting this insecurity as the question: do we admit these times of doubt or wait until they pass? Do I keep posting through the muddled time or leave a record of where I am? In Portland, my roommate Craig had a nervous breakdown during his first year teaching high school. He told everybody about what was going on immediately: his family, his roommates, his bosses, his co-workers; took a week off and got himself together enough to finish the year. I attributed his quick recovery to the fact that he was comfortable enough where he was to ask for help.

This could keep going, these paragraphs, but I'm going to stop now. The last two weeks have been vacation like, seeing friends Johnathan and Anna and Bill, entertaining and day tripping around San Francisco. The past weekend was in San Luis Obispo helping paint Joel and Jesse's house. I have a week of intentional grounding here at the apartment on Valencia and then I'm doing a tiny house sit in Palo Alto, followed by Buddyfest up in Portland. Then school starts. Let me know if you have any questions. See you later.