Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Two weeks ago I told Ted about my plan to go to China and visit a friend, that I was done travelling around the United States, that is was all strip malls and parking lots. I take a drink of water and forget all of this, thinking only of how thirsty I am on a plane in between Salt Lake City and Oakland. Neither nor. Gradually, throughout the day of travel, I came to the conclusion that I am distracted from the fact (the proof) of being unable to concentrate on a book I'm interested in: Tree of Smoke, by Denis Johnson. Jerry liked it but mom didn't. Removed the dust jacket so it would travel better.
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But all this about concentration, it takes me a while to realize that it's not happening. I feel that there is a significant delay between a feeling and the fact of my noticing it. And a feeling changes often, so I need to stay alert. The remedy is always to write. Not that this is what I always do, or need to do, but it always works if I 1) think to do it, and 2) do it. These days its not automatic, simply because I'm not in the habit. This is what discipline is for: keeping things even keeled or predictable. Then again over time, jaggedness becomes predictable and then who knows.
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But I wanted to go back to an earlier point, that I'll spell out further. Not because I want to but because my mind has returned to it: that my perspective is very much dependent on what time of day it is: be it thirsty or tired, happy and silly, pretty much everything I say is bound to contradict itself sooner or later. I like to believe that the only true measure of reality (certainty) is based in doing, i.e. actions and presence. For example continuing this blog at predictably intermittent intervals speaks to my actual commitment regardless of what I write about it, the idea that every outcome is intentional. I forgot my keys: I meant to forget my keys.
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But this doesn't explain anything. The engines and climate systems make for a rolling and droning ambient rumble that feels good to listen to. Is there any thing else? I'm sure there is but I'm going to go back to reading. Here is a quote from the book: "In order to be good, they just have to fight awhile and then leave."