from the vault march eighth two thousand and six entry number one one two zero three nine

Woke up this morning to find myself in a bed positioned on the floor in an apartment in Brooklyn New York. Got up to use the bathroom and found two people named m. and b. sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the living room area. Returned to bed and began making this entry for future record keeping purposes. Have not been able to locate reason why this journal entry exists, who is motivated to write down what they think they are doing, never an indication of what they have done or will be doing. A notebook lends itself to automatic writing as a painter, such as Degas does a study of a ballerina in charcoal, or makes line drawings of the world collapsing before he goes ahead and purchases the paint. Of course I don't mean to indicate that I am a painter but more along the lines that I went to a museum yesterday with my two guests, and had a lovely time, but for some reason by the time it was all over my body and mind had completely left as soon as I sat down. The pressing needs of my hidden physicality weighs heavy or the fluid that keep me alive is slowly draining out into the general working of the universe for no particular reason other than time and gravity, the wonders of osmosis and the principle of searching for new space.

before i left wisconsin i meant to write a posting about the house my parents house that i was staying in but the one time i sat down to write it the network was down and i didn't get another chance before i left for here california oakland city but the post i was going to write that i had kept in my mind for about three days was about when i was a kid like three years old and my mom and biological dad had bought a new house that we were going to move into in madison and the house was empty and i guess we were all walking around it as my memory is somewhat foggy about this but i do remember the incident clearly where i stepped on a bunch of nails sticking up from a nail board like the kind they use with carpet so that when you put down the carpet the nails hold the carpet in place and i was running around the house in barefoot and even though i was warned not to i stepped on the nail board tack board whatever its called and stuck my feet on it and of course i cried where now many years later where my mom and step dad have moved back into this house that we left a long time ago and came back to right around the time i started high school and i have graduated from highschool thank you very much and found myself painting the living room of that house where i had hurt my foot a long time ago and there is really no story or moral to the story or gigantic leap or image complex that i wanted to transfer from that to this other than to say that i've spent a lot of time in that house at different times in my life be it a little kid to highschool to coming back in living there even post graduate school and maybe this is normal say normal in the grand history of world history where people don't ever go far from where they started and then there is the ts eliot line from four quartets where he says home is where you start from and i think maybe this is true as well that is to say that i just moved again and am now here in oakland to stay with a. and well move soon relatively soon to san francisco but i just wanted to let you know that i moved but am still available to answer questions and sign baseballs and i'll write more later but not right now it's late and theres company

lying in the pillows thinking life is good “life is good” after lying in the pillows thinking guiltily “life is good” thinking guiltily about pillows i come to some obscene design that life is good is always obscene and guilty

somebody told me that writing an email is like writing a letter to yourself a letter not sent but projected onto a screen for editing thoughts moving periods erasing clauses like when planes get in or where you left your hat on the train from next mexico into the city where healthy lives live to see one another meander back from versions of events to each other in the rain late fall somebody told me that writing an email is like writing a letter to yourself

went out to cross plains today where i began painting little quarter circles with minimum of paint so as to leave the brush marks on the wall so as to give the impression of something else happening to the wall asides from the color that i painted underneath it so as i made one and then another one and so on and so forth until the wall was full of them and took great care not to make them random or helpless looking but natural as a tree might look growing infront of a super market or maybe natural like an empty plastic bag blowing across the parking lot of this said super market anyway this continued for a while up and down the wall and inbetween the spaces so many times that the spaces filled up so as to not need me to put these little quarter circle gingko leaf looking paint splotches ontop the persimmony wall with some kind of desert super mix glaze and listened to the radio and worried for a while as the wall looked like hell for a while but as more and more of the spaces got filled in after having gone around the room a small room a bathroom a number of times the spaces began to disappear so as each pass made the room look better and then it was just a matter of standing back and spotting and touching where necessary so as the multiple additions of the little gesture eventually began to add up to something larger than itself or my initial intentions and some of course the motion was not exactly mechanical and as more were made my hand got better so as to really beginning to get the hang of this thing it all felt very japanese in a suburban american mid seventies kind of way

oi still trying to get my stuff and junk from the east to the west whereas just got off the phone with one mysterious man trying very hard to convince me that he was in fact trust worthy and willing to do it and do the job and possibly squeeze me for a little more money know i know the sound of a hussle and when and what it feels like to get to know said person on the phone and the fact of effort the convincing voice and the fact of space allowed for conversation the prototypical pressure mounting in the spaces usually reserved for questions and comments like the man on the street in brooklyn who got not one but ten dollars from me dang what a sucker gave me some story quite urgently and manically and maniacally in retrospectacular fashion it was in fact one of those brand new ten dollar bills that i gave him but not as gave him as the time in providence with the kid giving me the deed to his car in panicky fashion on the phone outside of the bar and easily convinced one is against one another human pray the way one walks down the street hands out of the pockets and instead swinging freely and steady eye contact but not too long but briefly steady freely briefly instead of inside hunched over looking quite quiet vulnerable signs perceived from experts grown up hawk like mouths and gigantic galactica thinking in terms of personality unlike say the opposite small town mind that if i were to claim one the big city versus the small town say neither learn from both ideally in the great war some of us got to know our enemy

you better ask yourself why you're reading this or just ask the waiter please say hey waiter ahem i mean ask your waiter your doctor i mean say hey waiter can i have a glass of water please i'm in severe pain from this balsy weather pattern sun rain moon sun shine rain hail snow sun nothing much but the weather where as over there in the city the weather was not much of a feature as other things were likely to change for example the quality of the piece of fruit you might find or buy from a vendor and secretly anointed upon the supper table one quantity plus one knight of simple supple leather furniture made by hand for people who aren't hung up on the price so much as the simple supple elegance of an elephants tusk sticking out of a bail of hay on the seventh day of july nineteen hundred and seventy two the mammals were asking to play baseball with jesus and nobody bothered to keep score alas insects weather bells and southern belles all missed out on the missing mud slinging antics of gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla man half man half gorilla nostril one dash seven one two zero seven eight nine keyboard piano drums and guitar have all made it out tonight lets give a great big round of applause to the one the only thankyou teddy b teddy rux p ecetera excitera excop calcium vitamin b twelve a zinc carbon flame tipped wing bats length and draughtsmen ship superior quality cuts of dweedle dox and lax at acid licks raw raw post proto plucking yeah yeah yeah apostrophe s makes it something wink wink one eye once in a while

i'm not going to mention the day but i'll speak about tonight but only in reference to the events that came previous to this particular moment say the last twelve hours and again not to mention previously on the this show deep male voice or coming next week cut to action screaming big surprise nope no serious work today got up had a meal with a friend cut loose dutch baby with bananas and strawberry piled into the center raw dough and strawberry something past life smoothie etcetera started back cleaned some gutters on a relatives humble home with said breakfast buddy got down off the ladder washed hands got into borrowed car and drove quickly but carefully to destination one compiled list of to do completed list in less than one second amazing wow got going again and went up to juneau to see ill family member sat around for about an hour listened to strange mumblings but managed to smile none the less gave a hug and kiss talked to nurse answered question about the weather statement about smoking and got back in car came back ate dinner withheld information and continues

why not tell our own stories rather head off the flow of information before it gets larger than we could make alone say use names and dates and places and issues of privacy remain in the foreground instead run don't tell anybody if you have anybody any more or even if you never did the voice you might ask questions to once in a long while why not wait for her to come home skip the middle go back over come out back not where you were going wait for the signal and throw your sweater behind a garage and panic run off somewhere unseen unheard for days and in denial of ones friends asked out for breakfast have some money i'm scared omit judgment past lives present personality question mark seriously needing people needing help from ones uncle cousins and misunderstanding no i don't under stand him he see he told us all he told everybody everything all at once and we looked at each other and said huh see we all looked at each other and asked a few questions and left the room days later saved yet again simply by opening his mouth unbelieved as it was at the time two weeks later not a single sign to speak of and we weren't looking and to boot we can record this incident in history as closed now perfect though the real ones the ones outside of jurisdiction will not know either side to pull back in

rain and supposed snow by tomorrow today the job the big job got done on the street off the street with the world famous over priced ice cream shop overrated and pretentious in the words of certain residents but the lady though slightly crazy so i was told and had a house absolutely full of junk and the smell would permeate through the windows even when closed and maybe this is disgusting and it was but sadly as always i got used to it and carry on only seven days no change with the machine and then ladders and sticks we assaulted the three story well being of the quiet neighborhood with a busy street close by and then it started to rain mr. wabbit on the ladder begun to slip and yelled out my name i came running up the ladder and found the supporting structure slipping and the ladder beginning to turn mr. wabbit he held on i said shoot and held the ladder and he said a few more spots and stood in the rain okay we're done got done got cleaned up its been a while since we've spoken and the reason being not a good one instead debauchery and stress and other orders of business but really i'm committed to you i am your little blogger based in the work a day wisconsin think about the weekend personal life and then some more time to lay after work a slight nap and then the schedule begins did you happen to notice the comment posted on the last email what the heck i asked and over the weekend i went to a wedding almost missed it quick change in the street jog across the park solid gold

rain today got up at eight put dirty pants on got in car drove to work site moved cars and big machine sat in car in rain waited for machine to be picked up never came moved machine out moved cars back in machine back in in reverse order got in car drove home reported findings ate breakfast and lunch went back to work site touched house still wet made call to postpone until tomorrow got back in car with working buddy drove around killed time to see if the sun would come back drove through the arboretum made comments about the leaves changing color fall wisconsin colder weather drove home got out went into room got onto computer and onto bed wrote emails poked at work in san francisco posted on craigslist got up ate donut drank milk ate peach watched baseball playoff game ninth inning athletics and twins game two got up went back to computer picked it up and put it on lap on bed onward work tomorrow sun comes back newspaper reads rises again clean weather get done by friday

hi i just erased a post that was rambling on about what not and what have you about the unspeakable untraceable if i could have it my way it wouldn't be about anything to actually say it and not just dance around as if there were no topic but just the empty rhetoric like a political speech or a promise from an unreliable friend and you know who you are you feel guilty about yourself but only on the surface deep down you love yourself and that's cool like movie food like butter on popcorn and a large expensive soda and the film is just about to start and its really really dark in there and your cell phone is turned off and secretly you feel happy about this but outwardly you feel happy about this and secretly the movie ticket taker is quite happy about this and secretly is also outwardly happy about this and takes your ticket and then i started rambling again but i just erased it just in case somebody is keeping track that makes two false starts or one false start and one stop in the middle when i went to write stop i wrote stope like stoop and i'll go sit down now thank you for reading i'm sorry i haven't been truthful today but it's not because i don't want to and it's not because i didn't try but because i just don't know i hope that's enough for you